I have come to view the years I spent in active addiction as my having been trapped in state of perpetual unconsciousness. That is not to say there was no mental or emotional activity. On the contrary, whether I was getting high or not, my mind raced incessantly and my emotions swung to extremes. I say that I was unconscious because all of this mental and emotional activity occurred without much if any apparent effort on my part as if it all were happening automatically. I have since learned that these reactive patterns were conditioned in me from a very young age and were likely reinforced by both genetic and other biological factors. Initially, alcohol and drugs soothed the perpetual state of anxiety (or, dissatisfaction, discontent, dis-ease, or dukkha, if you will) which pervaded my existence. However, these powerful chemicals ultimately turned on me as they acted upon vulnerable reward, memory, and motivation circuitry in my brain to ensure that I would fall into the vicious downward spiral of addiction. Thus the trap of addiction is complex and composed of myriad personal and environmental risk factors which conspire to form the trance of automaticity. And so, for me the process of recovery has essentially entailed an awakening to the causes and conditions of these automatic reactive patterns. More importantly, it has also been about learning to step out of and interrupt these patterns through cultivation of mindfulness.
Religious Dilemmas and Spiritual Solutions
At first glance, it would seem that gay men with substance use disorder would be ideally matched to AA for post-treatment recovery maintenance or aftercare. As previously noted, gay men are especially vulnerable to the development of a narcissistic personality structure. The philosophy of the AA program is that addiction is essentially a “disorder of the self” characterized by narcissistic traits. The AA program is unique in that it addresses both the underlying pathological personality structure, and the substance use disorder, by way of spiritual transformation. However, when spirituality gives way to overt religiosity – as it often does in AA – the program becomes inaccessible and exclusive, and more foreboding than welcoming.
This award winning film takes viewers into India’s largest prison which also happens to be one of the toughest in the world. The film documents the dramatic change brought about in both inmates and prison guards under the visionary leadership of Inspector General, Karin Bedi who oversaw the introduction of Vipassana meditation into the prison.